Editing

What is valid prose? I self censor and edit (out of consideration for others; who can stand endless navel gazing?), to write outside of myself, the world within the confines of my imagination is very, very small. I try to keep myself from getting caught up in labyrinthine self examination. But my passion is bound up in the abstract questions that I think about and would like to ask. Otherwise I wouldn't care enough to pursue them. So dispassionate, disinterested prose is not a realistic goal.

But, while I realize that the intensely personal will always be woven into what I write, I do want to trim off the excess. I waste too much energy in my endless what-if-ing, burning off creativity into distraction, like excess heat.

What if I turned into the sort of writer who expresses herself in measured prose (a persona I do adopt, when appropriate, like a classic suit?) That's not really my style, I wear bold graphics and mismatched patterns, lots of color and kind of a hi-lo flea market look. I like fun accessories, and the messier the hair the better. What would my fashion sense look like, written in words? I don't apologize for the way I dress, in fact I enjoy experimenting and pride myself on bold choices and playing with color, texture, pattern and proportion.

How can I learn to express myself in measured prose, rather than the screeching intensity I think and feel. Or, at the very least, in a tone that's not the literary equivalent of a roomful of six year olds scratching on violins.

Maybe fiction is the answer. The grass seems greener there, I wonder if it's easier to cast off inhibition and second guessing if it's not really me, or people I know, or this world as it is. In fiction I wouldn't be exposing myself, right? In other words, what if I were clever enough to say what I'm saying now, through someone else, in a constructed world?

This sort of second guessing is paralysis. I read interesting articles, I have ideas even. I write in fragments, I keep working them over and massaging them into prose. Very slowly. But I worry there's still too much of my whingeing all up in there and delete delete delete.